"I don't know where home is, but I'm on my way."

When I learned I was pregnant, I started entertaining thoughts of going back to Manila. Questions started to pop out in my head. Do I want to raise my son here? Can I afford to bring up a child in a country where cost of living is very expensive? Am I rooted well enough in this country for me to really raise my family? Is it worth giving up affordable quality education, the convenience, the safety, the technology? Do I want my son to grow up with family and loved ones? Do I have the strength to continue living a stressful life in a fast-paced country? Where would I be happy? Why am I not happy enough living with my husband and son, regardless of the place where we live?

Untangling the knots, one day at a time.

I’ve always believed that for most people who live overseas, the thought of coming back home is always at the back of their minds. Especially if your whole family is still back home. In our case, we initially just wanted to save up for our wedding, and start anew in the Philippines. But you know how it is, you get so caught up with the hustle and bustle of your daily lives, and before you know it, it’s been seven years and you have a son.

resignation, check! 11 JULY 2011 is my official last day of work in the republic of singapore. to celebrate, i'm having a white chocolate cupcake from awfully chocolate.

My husband and I mulled over the pros and cons for more than a year, prayed over our decision a million times, asked for our elders’ opinions. We even tried to change our mindset and lifestyle thinking that it’s all about paradigm shifting.

In February of this year, I hit an all-time low. I was in the brink of depression and I wanted to come home. I was stressed out. I started preparing our family’s documents for leaving Singapore. I told my parents and loved ones that I am ready to come home. My Dad said, “Come home for a short vacation and see whether you are just homesick.” So I went home for a few days. When I came back to Singapore, my decision has never been firmer—I still wanted to come home.

my manila starbucks city mug. been using it since my early yrs in sg. given to me by bam & gay whose wedding this month i'm going to attend because i am REALLY coming back home!

In April of this year, I started on a new job. I thought that the new environment will give me renewed energy to continue my life here. I thought wrong. I still wanted to come home. I wanted to be with my family. I wanted Lucas to grow up with them. I wanted to be with my brother as he goes through his struggles. I want to be there for my sisters as they live their own lives. I want to be able to go on vacations, live a balanced life, be happy so I can raise a happy kid. I want to someday build my own pre-school, or if not, be in a job that I enjoy, where I can have time and energy left to do my personal stuff. Bottom line is, I want to start again. I need a new beginning. To most people, those reasons are not enough to give up what I’ve accomplished here, but for me, it’s reason enough for me to go after what makes me happy. To each his own, as they say. We have different values. And mine is family and a well-balanced life. You can always earn money. You can always get whatever standard of living you wish if you are smart and hardworking. But time—you can never get it back. Never.

sights i see en route to work. took this shot on my last working day.

I started to tell my family and friends about it. I received mixed reactions. Those who can relate to me understood why I wanted to leave. Some gave me questioning looks, wondering why would I want to go back to a third-world country, where everyone else was struggling to work and live abroad. But I didn’t mind them, because what’s more important is, people who are closest to me has given me their full support.

And then there’s also the practical side—documents that I needed to fix, making sure we have enough budget for us to settle back again, what to do with our flat etc etc. Every time I prayed about my decision, I always asked for wisdom for me to execute my plans properly. And then, my husband and I thought of this wonderful plan to leave him behind (hehe) for a year (hopefully even less) so that it won’t be too much of an adjustment for us. At least, one of us is still bringing home the bacon, while I try to settle in, find a job and look into my pre-school business. It’s a bold step for us, but one that we have to make. The longest we’ve been apart was nine months—that time that I had to leave for Singapore to find work, and then he followed me after 9 months because it was his time to find work here. And now, it’s the other way around—I leave first and he will follow soon. (I must admit though, that there’s still a part of me that still hopes he can join us sooner, if not now.)

the most ordinary seems special when it's about to end. took this shot en route to my flat, after my last day at work.

As I type this, my one-way ticket to Manila is lying beside my computer. I look at the date of our departure—22 July 2011.  That’s roughly 7 years and 2 months of living here. On the average, I come home for a short visit once or twice a year. Overseas holidays once a year (which stopped when I had Lucas, hehe.). Worked in four companies. Discovered my love for education and writing (and social networking, if I may add). Found new friends and reconnected with old ones. Purchased some of our worldly desires. Realized my capabilities and my potentials. Reaffirmed my love for my husband, and strengthened it to the core. Got pregnant, and then my world was even made more beautiful with Lucas’ presence in my life.

bubble wrap, check! major major packing!

And so I am thankful for those seven years. Singapore has been good to us. It gave us a lot of blessings and lessons that I never would have received if I hadn’t taken that big step back in 2004.  I’ve always believed that God puts us in places where we shine the most. He doesn’t give us perfect circumstances so we learn how to make the most of what we have and appreciate it.

please don't take too long, dad.

Am I scared? Yes, a small part of me is. I know what I’m giving up.  I know it’s not easy to be apart from your husband, even if it’s just temporary. But I’m ready.  When I am with Lucas, I suddenly feel that I am a superwoman and ready to face a new life ahead of us. And so I thank him, my Seth Lucas, for giving me the courage to face my fears, and go for what truly makes me happy.

Goodbye, Singapore, but I will see you soon—when Lucas is old enough to enjoy Universal Studios.

I’ve always loved the smell of freshly-cut grass. I used to think that if new beginnings and second chances had a scent, it would smell like this.

younger days.

In the summer of 2004, just like any other summers of the past, we went to Baguio. Little did I know that it would be the last summer of my life.

Well maybe now that the little one is here, my summers will come back again.

But I need to go home first.

Because where I am now, summers don’t exist. And I’m not just referring to the weather.

www.empire-diner.com

The crowds came early and we were busy to the end. I came up from the basement prep kitchen and overheard bits of conversation; people remembering past meals here, past encounters, past celebrity sightings.
Different menu items ran out through the evening one by one- Lamb Burgers 86 ed at 10:30, Fish & Chips just past Noon, Grilled Chicken Cutlets around 9:45. We sat at table 82 in the cafe having a beer and trying to keep our smiles on when, just after I heard the waiters passing the word that our Hamburgers were gone, I got a text message from the kitchen-”Shut it down, we’re down to Eggs and White Bread.”

It struck a chord. I don’t like closing times.

Closing time, whether it’s only for the day or for the rest of your life, makes me sad–I don’t like it when the mall is closing and you hear a nice lady’s voice in the PA say: “Dear shoppers, thank you for shopping with us. you have 20 freaking minutes to get what you need to buy and pay them at the only-one-counter that’s still open because most of our cashiers have closed their floats and are trying to balance their collections because they can’t wait to go home bla bla bla.”

I used to work inside a shopping mall and I was usually assigned to go on the closing shift of our business center. There was this one night I had to work late, and I got stuck inside because all the exits were closed. I wasn’t familiar with the building because I was new then. It was like a dream where I was in the middle of a big mall, with all the boutique stores’ railings closed down for the night, the lights dimly lit, and there was I, going down the elevator that wasn’t working because the guards have turned it off already, and with a box full of documents, I tried to figure out which way to go, no one was there with me, each step I take echoed. I finally gave in and called the number of the mall’s security. They had to come over to where I am because I didn’t dare to walk around the mall anymore. Sounds too much like the story of my life now.

Closing times came in different forms in my 31 years of existence: that time that I had to say goodbye to co-workers (yeah, in that mall) because I was going to another country, or that day I heard that NU 107 was going off air (forever), that time we had to move from a flat that we really really loved, or the one where my friend had to leave to work somewhere in Europe, break-ups and falling-outs, loved ones who were gone too soon, vacations that had to end because you need to go back to work, the last season of Friends, Eraserheads breaking up, that sister you thought would be staying with you but didn’t, phasing out Walhalla pasta in That restaurant’s menu, deleting someone from your friend list because, well, he’s not  a friend anymore, giving away your clothes because you know they will never fit you anymore…the list goes on and it will never end.

More depressing blogs entries to come. Beware.

that i don’t need to think about sales and profits,

that i have my weekends back,

that i am empowered to do my tasks as i deem fit,

that i have time for my sidelines,

that i can have movie & tv show marathons,

that i eat well and have a roof above my head,

that i know who my real friends are,

that i have a family who never fails to keep in touch with me, and siblings who always make me laugh,

that i have a hubby who wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the baby,

that i have a baby who sleeps through the night when i’m the one on night watch,

and that his smile keeps my worries away.

i can’t get everything that i want, but i have everything i need.

and that’s more than enough for me.

I’m not complaining. I’m just saying.

So I gave myself a one-week break before I start with my new job. I told myself I would spend this time organising the house, updating my wardrobe, updating Lucas’ scrapbook, have my mani-pedi, color my hair, buy a dress or two. So it’s now Friday and I haven’t done any of that. Ahhh… La dolce far niente. The sweetness of doing nothing. I’ve made it into an art. Well, the upside is I spent a lot of quality time with Lucas and that makes up for everything.

Can I just say that I’ve been wanting to eat fried chicken everyday. I refuse to give in, of course. Having fried chicken everyday is like an insult to my kitchen. heee! My husband just loves my fried chicken. And that means a lot because he is very picky about food. I have improved my version of fried chicken as the years go by. I came here to Singapore armed with only the basics of cooking. No mother or maid could do the cooking for me. So when you are put in that situation (and the fact that you can’t stomach restaurant food everyday), you learn to make things on your own. I lived quite a sheltered life back home and it is only here in Singapore that I learned the true meaning of independence and self-reliance. And you improve as you go along. Just like my fried chicken.

butterhead, romaine, red chicory, red frisee + vinaigrette + fuji apples + MIDJOINT CHICKEN WINGS

It’s not a secret but here are some things I do to get that fried chicken that’s crispy yet tender and juicy inside:

• I rub the chicken parts in black and white pepper, paprika, garlic powder (optional) and fish sauce (nope, I don’t use salt.). I let it sit there for at least 40 minutes (that’s for mid-joint wing parts. longer time for drumsticks and thigh parts).
• At least 30 minutes before cooking time, I soak the chicken in buttermilk (freshmilk will do but soak it longer). I discovered this a few years back and life has never been the same again hahaha. The result of soaking it in milk: tender and juicy fried chicken! (I once soaked it for hours and the result was heavennn!)
• I always use a good pan. It should be a heavy-bottomed pan and I heat it using a low-medium heat setting.
• Before frying, I take the chicken from the buttermilk soak, dip in beaten egg (seasoned a but with garlic powder) and drench in flour (also seasoned with pepper and garlic powder. and don’t forget to shake it a bit to get rid of the extra flour). I let them sit on a rack for about 15-20 minutes (or even longer. if so, put inside the fridge first) before putting them into the pan. These 15-20 minutes will help me get the crust to stick to the chicken.
• Contrary to the usual way of frying it, I don’t deep-fry my chicken. When I make fried chicken, the chicken is at least 1/3 above the oil. (Reason: For this kind of fried chicken, there is a lot of moisture that needs to be released through its surface so you need to have a good part of it outside the hot oil to let it escape without disrupting the egg-flour coating.)
• I don’t crowd the chicken in the pan because it will affect the temperature.
• I don’t drain it in paper towels–this will only make them soggy and the paper towels will stick to the chicken. Instead, I drain them on rack under the yellow kitchen light. I once tried draining them on brown paper, which worked too.

Well, there really is no secret to making good fried chicken. You just need to practice it a lot. Some double-fry their chicken to get that non-greasy texture. Others put celery and onion into the oil while frying the chicken to give it a nice texture. When I have the time, I will try these different methods. As they say, don’t knock ‘em till you try them!

Meanwhile, I need to move my big, fat ass so I can finally tick some of my things-to-do-before-starting-on-my-new-job list. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK!

Lucas turns 8 months old

Lucas has reached the end of his 7th month OR the beginning of his 8th (whichever way you want to see it, hehe). I’ve been posting his milestones on this blog so that I won’t forget to put them in his scrapbook.

I used to obsess about all these milestones during the first few months of Lucas. I am a first time mum, and sometimes I can’t help but overanalyse my baby’s development. Oh how I hate it when some moms ask me about Lucas’ developments and then tells me that their babies are “more advanced” because theirs do this and do that already. I mean, so why did you ask me in the first place if you are just going to slap me in the face that your baby can somersault or do headstands or whatever! I do not want to be a momzilla and I realise it won’t help Lucas if he feels pressured to do exactly all those things in his milestones chart.

One of my mummy friends told me, babies are different from each other and some even skip some of the milestones. What she said helped me when I was getting worried that Lucas is still doing the commando crawl most of the time. It’s as if his head is so heavy. My mother said some babies do not even learn to crawl and goes straight to walking–which I think is what’s happening with Lucas. He still does mostly commando crawling but he can stand on his own and has no problem walking (with help from me or his walker). So I don’t want to worry myself with this stuff, because what’s important is that he’s a healthy and happy baby.

I still take note of his milestones to check his developmental skills. It’s also a nice way to update his scrapbook and baby journal. Here’s his milestone chart for his 7th-8th month):

Food for the Gods

It was Lucas’ 8th month birthday yesterday so I had a reason to bake something. Although I’ve been baking every weekend because of my carrot cake orders, it’s been quite awhile since I baked something for my family. Not that they will gobble it all up: my hubby’s not into sweets and Lucas is not allowed to have sugar in his diet until he turns 1 year old. So that only leaves me and our Nanny to finish everything, and the occasional guests who drop by for visits.

I decided to bake some ‘food for the gods’. In the past, I would use a butterscotch recipe when I make food for the gods, and  I just add dates or sultanas to it. Lately thought, I’ve been using this recipe from Panlasang Pinoy‘s but I tweaked it a bit by (1) using less butter; (2) using sultanas instead of dates and (3) baking it for about 5-10 minutes more.

I love this recipe: it’s crisp on the outside and chewy on the inside.

Here are the ingredients and procedure, with some of my comments.

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour,sifted

1 cup butter (about 2 sticks) (I use less butter, about 10-20% less because I don’t want it to be greasy. But I think it depends on the quality of the butter you use.)

1 cup granulated sugar (white), sifted

1 cup brown sugar

3 pieces raw eggs

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup dates, chopped (I use SULTANAS instead. I drench the sultanas in a bit of flour so that it won’t get sticky while chopping them.)

1 cup walnuts, chopped

Procedure (c/o Vanjo of PP):

1. In a mixing bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt then mix well.

2. Cream the butter in a separate mixing bowl and add the sugar (white and brown) while continously mixing until texture becomes fluffy.

3. Beat-in the eggs on the mixing bowl with butter and sugar then continue mixing until everything is well distributed.

4. Gradually add the flour-baking soda-baking powder-salt mixture while continously mixing (don’t forget to scrape the sides with a silicon spatula).

5. Put-in the dates (I used sultanas) and walnuts then mix until well distributed.

6. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit

7. Grease the baking pan and pour-in the batter.

8. Bake for 10 minutes then pull down the temperature to 300 and continue baking for 35 minutes or until done. (I use the ‘toothpick technique, and it usually takes me about 40 minutes to get the right texture)

9. Remove from the oven and allow to cool down. (It’s VERY IMPORTANT to let it cool down before cutting.)